Hunter Biden, the president’s son, announced on Wednesday that his newly formed Malarkey Inc. won a contract to provide all of the hardware for the upcoming federal elections in 2024. Hunter formed the new company for building balloting machines after serving on the board of an election software company that is “dominant in the field.”
“My father has nothing to do with JB 2024 Election Systems,” Hunter insisted. “I just figured that after establishing myself as an expert in the global energy market, I needed a new outlet. We won the contract fair and square in a blind bid. No one knew that JB Election Systems had anything to do with my father, even though my name was on the contract. The bidding process was kept secret to make sure it was fair. Only a few people even knew there was going to be a contract.”
The new endeavor has invested a bevy of investors.
“Wee No Chinee Unlimited, an investment firm based in the Cayman Islands, has already put in several million in seed money,” Hunter said. “We just have to work out a few glitches and then we will be up and running. There is a problem with images from a previous operating system popping up on screen, an old system we had to send out for repair. I don’t mind the images but some people find them to be distracting from the voting process.”
“I am totally pumped about this new company. I partnered with Meena Harris, the VP’s niece. She is a total babe and a lawyer. Nancy’s son, Paul Pelosi Jr., may jump in later but he is still wrapping up his Chinese pharmaceutical company.”
Hunter insisted the new machines were necessary.
“One of the more important features addresses the allegations that mail-in voting overloaded the system in the last elections,” Hunter said. “We are developing a machine that will solve that. All the worker has to do is feed the envelope into the machine and it will automatically open it, read the ballot, see who they are voting for, determine if the ballot is valid, record the vote, and shred any ballots that are wrong.”
A spokesman for the White House assured the public that all federal procedures had been followed in awarding the contract.
“We followed all the rules,” Dr. Jill Biden, who is overseeing the process, assured the public. “After his nap, my hubby will finish signing the executive orders that will finalize the deal. And it says right there, on page 3658 of HR1, on the back of the page in light print, that we can do this.”
When asked about funding for the new machinery, Dr. Jill pooh-poohed the concern.
“It was all taken care of in that last COVID relief bill,” she said. “Just look under the section allocating $20 million for emergency vaccinations for widows and orphans. It is written as plain as day; ‘$19.8 million for Hunter’s machines.’ Dr. Fauci suggested it. He said the new variant of the coronavirus might be able to infect computers so we better get new machines that can wear masks. It’s science. Computers can get viruses, COVID is caused by a virus, so a computer can transmit COVID.”
The president was asked if changing the voting process would further erode the public trust in elections which is at an all-time low.
“You got that wrong, you little pony soldier,” the president said. “We took a poll of all our voters and they loved how the last elections went. This trend will continue. We set up a booth at the border to register new immicrats, that’s what my squad likes to call them, and the immicrats love the idea of shiny new machines. Hunter tells me they used similar voting systems down where these people came from so they will already be familiar with it.”
EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was written as satire. Any similarities between what is written and actual facts is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
